What am I?

I am not my body
my thoughts
my mind
my past
my future

I am the distance between breaths
between the soil and the sky

Instructions for a Body by Marty McConnell

praise the miracle body: the odd

and undeniable mechanics of hand,

hundred-boned foot, perfect stretch

of tendon

tell me there are no gods then,

no master plans for this anatomy

with its mobile and evident spark

someone says “children of light”

and another, “goddessfragment” and

another, “chosen” / a dozen makers,

myriad paths, one goal:

some scalpel, some chisel, some crazed

sentimental engineer giving rib, giving

eyelash, giving gut and thumb –

all mattering. all set down

in a going world, vulnerable

and divine

in the beginning was the word.

or before time there was a void

until a voice said “I” and was

or there was star and dust,

explosion and animal, mineral, us::

praise the veins that river these wrists

praise the prolapsed valve in a heart

praise the scars marking a gall bladder absent

praise the rasp and rattle of functioning lungs

praise the pre-arthritic ache of elbows

and ankles

praise the lifeline sectioning a palm

praise the photographic pads of fingertips

praise the vulnerable dip at the base of a throat

praise the muscles surfacing on an abdomen

praise these arms that carry babies

and anthologies

praise the leg hairs that sprout

and are shaved

praise the ass that refuses to shrink

or be hidden

praise the cunt that bleeds

and accepts, bleeds

and accepts

praise the prominent ridge

of nose

praise the strange convexity of ribcage

praise the single hair that insists on growing

from a right areola

praise the dent where the mole was clipped from the back

of a neck

praise these inner thighs brushing

praise these eyelashes that sometimes turn inward

praise these hips preparing to spread

into a grandmother’s skirt

praise the beauty of the freckle

on the first knuckle of a left little finger

we’re gone / in a blizzard of seconds

love the body human

while we’re here, a gift of minutes

on an evolving planet, a country

in flux / give thanks

what we take for granted, bone and dirt

and the million things that will kill us

someday, motion and the pursuit

of happiness / no guarantees / give thanks

for chaos theory, ecology, common sense that says

we are web. a planet in balance or out, the butterfly

in tokyo setting off thunderstorms in iowa,

tell me you don’t matter to a universe that conspired

to give you such a tongue, such rhythm

or rhythmless hips, such opposable thumbs –

give thanks or go home a waste of spark

speak or let the maker take back your throat

march or let the creator rescind your feet

dream or let your god destroy your good and fertile mind

this is your warning / this

your birthright / do not let

this universe regret you.

The Death of a little girl

I am a Woman. I am a Being woman.

Expanded

Raw

Aware within our masculine and feminine manifestation.

The universe inside me, through me, through us.

A consciousness that unfolds how our bodies are mere portals for a divine awareness of Self, oneness, masculine, feminine, sexuality - this being the universe in our oneness.

Sexuality is our life force.

This awareness is by no means all light and radiance. In fact, there is a deep blanketing darkness.

Ego, conditioning, the deep grooves through which we have lived our many lives living out.

Out of fear, we choose to live in comfort only to live in the shadow of the Light of our Being.

With such immense Light, one can only expect the darkest of shadows.

As I unveil the Light, the shadow of the past, my conditioning, should have’s, could have’s and would have’s, all rear their sneaky charming faces, waiting patiently for me to slip back into the groove of pleasing others, out of insecurity, fear and a dismal lack of courage.

I honour both the Light and the Darkness more than that.

I acknowledge you, my darling shadow, breathing you in, absorbing your every reflection of the infinite, mysterious Light that is the calling of my heart.

Divine shadow, I know of your teachings, I have been through them before.

Although this time, in this presence, I take you in as a Woman and as Shakti dances around you, not to shy you away but to open and embrace you with every essence of my Being.

Come to me.

Teach me more.

Courageous Discernment

To begin to describe what has happened to me can only be felt and sensed in this human world as a rollercoaster.

Vatta Pitta firing. Ups and downs, ins and outs, bliss and sadness. Feelings of being trapped and wanting to leave, be free fully awake and present....only to then slowly bring myself back down
to the process, the flow of what is happening in this beautiful awakening, trusting my heart and universe and her timing, realising this is my present in this moment, trying to treat this presence with kindness and gentleness. 

It's not easy. This is revelation.

The death of old self has became even more apparent.

In this uncertainty, I absorbed myself in reading. I finished reading Siddartha by Hermann Hesse - what a wakening beyond all wakenings. I don't have many words to describe this book. Only a feeling in my heart which I will cherish forever and revisit.

I also read my favourite book from beginning to end (Paulo Coelho - by the river piedra I sat down and wept).

A book so deep in its simplicity about Love and Mother Universe and human beings. Obviously, Paulo comes from Catholic background and therefore uses this as his reference for spirituality but he speaks to all spirituality so expansively and accessibly. What a gift. 

Both filled my soul with hope, Love and the Divine so deeply, only to fall
hard at the face of my reality of this life I have created which is so misaligned.

I also read Aisha Salem (specifically on the consort and relationships) and an interview with Bernie Prior.

Once again filling me with immense clarity, vision, hope and inspiration in recognising the Divine way of Love and relationships. Love and how powerfully and deeply it manifests in spirit and romantic, in masculine and feminine.

I can’t live another day thinking of Love any other way. 

I am so grateful to have woken to this, but I have also woken to how glaringly far I am away from living this Love.

I therefore feel stuck/trapped, inspired and exhausted, terrified and so in awe of this Divine process. 

Incredibly expanded. 

Incredibly insecure.

In meditation today, and after reading Osho's - The way of the heart.

I meditate on the two words that will guide my life in its Divine uncertain presence.

Courageous Discernment.

Courageous because living a life of expansion and insecurity is in fact living a life of complete freedom, this take courage and ofcourse presence and patience.

Discernment because in this beautiful manifestation of the Divine awakening in me, I have to be discerning with my thoughts, of past and future. 

I have to be discerning about the people around me, some who are witnessing the journey and some who are fellow travelers on this journey, they too have a path to follow which comes with its own levels of insecurity and inward reflection of Self.

So I feel and sit with my present, with immense courage, I treat my thoughts with deep courage, discernment, kindness and gentleness.

I continue on this expansive beautiful mystery of life, with courage and discernment - accepting all the uncertainty and insecurity that comes with it, knowing that this is the true way of the mystery. 

How incredibly bold, how incredibly Divine and terrifying.

I have great gratitude for my fellow travellers on this journey. Teaching me courage and discernment.

I also have immense gratitude towards myself for allowing this expansion and all the mystery and uncertainty that comes with it.

Let the opening of my eyes and my Self continue, no matter what fear and insecurities this brings. 

What I have realised is that the more afraid I am, the more insecure I am, the more I rest into my heart that I am following a true calling, into this unknown.

I cannot wait to see what unfolds further.

Yours in mystery, courage and discernment.

Love

xxxx

What is Love?

Tease me lover, what is Love?

The silence in between words unspoken,

the essence between the spaces and space.

A gesture ascending lifetimes of compassion,

seeing beyond what is right in front of you.

A feeling for which you cannot see.

Oh no, this Love transcends a feeling.

Tease me, lover, does our Love not seem unworthy within these worldly definitions?

Our Love rests so easy in the mystery of the unknown.
Worthy only in its perpetual nature
to take shape within the spirits it finds rest in.

Undefined for eternity,

ever evolving, exploring

the secret places only a lover can touch, feel 
through the senses halucinatory

to those whose eyes have not been blinded, by the sunlight that isn't there,
into darkness.

Our Love that moves me in places I cannot feel

directing me gently on a path to You, with You.

Our Love with no boundaries, no definition 

no direction.
(how threatening to those who cannot see the blinding sunlight?)

Our Love in it's raw unfixed freedom
allowing its lovers the space

and eternity

to live a life beyond what this existence is yet to define.

Our Love that dances in no shape or form, 
it's only presence is to dance 
in the hearts of it's lovers' spirit.

I end, lover, on a note with no end.

Our Love with no end.

Kabir - I talk to my inner lover

I talk to my inner lover, and I say, why such rush? 

We sense that there is some sort of spirit that loves birds and animals and the ants-- perhaps the same one who gave a radiance to you in your mother's womb.

Is it logical you would be walking around entirely orphaned now? The truth is you turned away yourself, and decided to go into the dark alone. 

Now you are tangled up in others, and have forgotten what you once knew, and that's why everything you do has some weird failure in it.

Prayer

Hokusai says look carefully.
He says pay attention, notice.
He says keep looking, stay curious.
He says there is no end to seeing

He says look forward to getting old.
He says keep changing,
you just get more who you really are.
He says get stuck, accept it, repeat
yourself as long as it is interesting.

He says keep doing what you love.

He says keep praying.

He says every one of us is a child,
every one of us is ancient
every one of us has a body.
He says every one of us is frightened.
He says every one of us has to find
a way to live with fear.

He says everything is alive --
shells, buildings, people, fish,
mountains, trees, wood is alive.
Water is alive.

Everything has its own life.

Everything lives inside us.

He says live with the world inside you.

He says it doesn't matter ifyou draw,
or write books. It doesn't matter
ifyou saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn't matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your veranda
or the shadows of the trees
and grasses in your garden.
It matters that you care.

It matters that you feel.

It matters that you notice.

It matters that life lives through you.

Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength
is life living through you.

He says don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.

Love, feel, let life take you by the hand.

Let life live through you.

- Roger Keyes

We, Our magnetism.....

Thought: "this came from a feeling during your flow/trance dance" - this! 

I felt this magnetic field pushing and pulling me towards You. I still feel it but now you're closer so the field is so, SO much stronger. And will get stronger....who knows what will happen next and next and next and next.....

Rumi...Us

I am so close, I may look distant. So completely mixed with you, I may look separate. So out in the open, I appear hidden. So silent, because I am constantly talking with you ~ Rumi

I close my eyes and have the image of me lying on the floor, you reach your hands through my chest, grabbing hold of my heart, your gentle electric touch bringing it back to this life and a life beyond and as I get back to my feet we dance in an infinity.

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet. ~ Rumi

Our Mystery

I leap forward.

vibrating, nerves -

everything feels like the unknown.

(Yet, we already know)

Your presence,

peace and comfort.

I felt your nerves tingling

with mine.

The paradox of trance and energy,

dancing next to you -

uneasy and tight,

lost in the trance of a known remedy.

I glance over at your finger

tips

your dancing wrist

in space,

reminding me to dance.

reminding me to not follow the physical -

follow the energy, of us, the space.

reminding me, all that I am is

energy.

I dance, still plagued with the trance

until I marvel at moments of space appearing within me,

space transcending what is known

(to the beings we are conditioned to be)

space allowing energy to knock gently on the door of my guarded heart.

Breath.

gazing into your eyes with deep intention, 

nerves appear

within an instant, they dissolve 

our energies connect,

manifesting the celestial in tears and smiles – I felt You. I felt Us.

love and appreciation,

back and forth.

Your touch, radiating warmth, compassion and love 

energy 

vibrating in my body,

I tighten

and finally release -

Your love energy so gentle through me, my heart.

as I write this, far away from You.

I sit contently with consciousness that physical distance is no measure 

in this form of space and Our energy.

I still feel You, Us.

https://www.tarabrach.com/investigating-reality-beyond-an-interpreted-world-2015-04-29/

broken, messy, vivid, ALIVE

3am

What is it about us and our 3am divine conversations?

Thank you for staring at me...

>>The light frayed and darkness coils her hours of awakening. Your words scrolled amongst the tender night. Our messages ignite my world in prayer and devotion. Your presence in absence yet the comfort and resonance of you lingers with me. So few hours in space /time so many moments sprawled across infinity. I meet You again and again.

stuck, crazy, diamond

>>my heart feels your stuckness and I know it will change for you. So be with stuck! She aint staying for long

…I believe unstuckness, presence, expanse and possibility is beginning… to get lost in the expanse of this divine universe!

>> I notice the expanse when we share, sometimes momentarily small and other times enormous waterfall thunder rush gawoooosh!!! We teaching each other.

Tears are coming now, I am very grateful that your heart feels my heart.

>> So simple, you keep on shining crazy diamond (that's lyrics to a song) yet take it! A breath and a song from me to you across the galaxies in an instant and a lifetime. Time and space for now we can see ourselves as beautiful and divine as we are with our condensed fear selves included. You are light beauty radiant.

You = Muse

>>I love your writing

I love writing, it's been a while- thank you for musing me with all that you are (and I've only scraped the surface of your infinitely expansive soul) 

You - are my light love star!

Unfolding the Mystery

Following the unfolding, I dove into a spin, knotting myself into a tangle of questions - what comes next?

I will quote Tara Brach to eloquently explain what happened next:

"True inquiry doesn't land on an answer, it opens up to a mystery that is meant to be lived" 

Let's take a step back. About 2 months ago I spontaneously decided to join a yoga studio. I was on the way home from work and felt like I needed to do something good for myself and my body. And so the journey began.

I am a dancer. I won't say I was a dancer, because as most dancers will understand. Even when you aren't dancing anymore, it never leaves your heart and your soul. Within my first month at this studio, I felt the dancer spirit in me come out in a way I didn't quite understand, it was far more than how flexible I still might be. In fact, it had nothing to do with that. It was how yoga made me feel during the practice. It was the fact that yoga made me feel.

In any normal case with 'exercise', I would have put it down to endorphin's released from exercise which makes you feel good. Yet, yoga didn't make me feel 'good'. It made me feel my self and my space in this universe and how beautifully intertwined that space is in the spiritual, physical, emotional realm and most importantly with the universe. Although this mystery didn't become apparent to me after day one.

A couple of weeks later, the unfolding happened as mentioned in previous post. It was soon after an early morning yoga practice. Yet, still I hadn't figured out where all this energy was coming from, not energy in a practical sense, energy in the metaphysical. I pursued a hypnotherapist to try and help me figure out this unfolding and where it came from and why, because my conscious brain could not figure this out. 

It was then after a session where during savasana, otherwise known as the corpse pose, that the tears started rolling down my cheeks. It was as if I had been given an internal hug I had been longing for my whole life. It brought up all my pain and all my joy, all at once. 

My ego was put aside, as my teacher explained that yoga is not about how far you can push yourself in a pose or how perfect your pose looks in the mirror, yoga is in fact about everything but that. 

I came out of that class in slight shock. As if something inside me had ignited so magnetically that I couldn't wait for my next practice. What will yoga and the universe reveal to me next?

I have never been back to that hypnotherapist.

In the class of 'the corpse pose', guided by an incredible soul who spoke directly to my soul, I found the beginning of my mystery.

I then spent a couple of weeks analysing this, going to yoga as much as my time could accommodate but more specifically, choosing the teachers I was going to. Every practice was a lesson to me. A lesson about myself, a lesson about others and a lesson about ego. I needed to make sure that their intention was aligned with my newly discovered beautiful intention with yoga

I have now pursued an incredible soul, in what you may call a leap of 'faith' or more honestly because I was too vulnerable and insecure to speak to him before or after class, I hunted down his email (thank you interweb) to ask if he would help me (this is how I articulated it, but what I was honestly hoping for was for him to be a fellow traveller with me into this mystery). 

As I sent the very vulnerable, honest email I was hit with both an overwhelming feeling of anxiety (what if he doesn't reply, how awkward) and elation (I cannot wait for his reply!).

His reply came soon. It was short, deeply grateful and accepting. We met after class the following Saturday and decided to do one-on-one sessions to see where this will take us.

Since then, I have still been plagued with bouts of insecurity - what would a human of his spiritual, emotional and physical stature and insight want to do with me: another typical slave to society in my corporate 45+ hour a week job, where my role is simply to play the political game and analyse data to make other corporate's more money. How interesting could I be? Would I just be another one of 'those' people searching for 'something' that he would have to deal with.

Little did I realise that this human, is not only a kindred sensitive spirit. But he saw me, a side of me I want more of, a side of me that has far more to offer than what I spend most of my time doing. And most insightful, he is the first person I have met in a very, very long time, if not ever, that hasn't based their opinion on me by asking questions like "so what do you do?", "what did you study", "where do you want to be in 5 years". It helped me see that side of me again, and I am so grateful for that.

I was aw-struck and still am. Aw-struck at how what I used to see as a physical exercise and what I used to think was 'networking' has turned my life upside down and inside out (literally). I have not only found a portal to the universe, prayer, gratitude and forgiveness but I have found a fellow traveller who is willing to guide me along this portal.

Yoga has new meaning to me. The universe has new meaning to me. I have new meaning to me and I know that this is only the beginning.

I have learnt about the mother of light, the moon, and her effects on our body, 90% water, therefore is as affected by the moon as the tides of the ocean. The concept blew me away, especially when I was feeling the tides ebbing and flowing in my own body in such a visceral way, I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't know what to do with myself. Actually, I do. Feel it, feel all of it. Pull down the boundaries and let life live through me.

I can only believe that this is the beginning of something I will not be able to articulate right now, something I may never be able to articulate. One thing I do know is that regardless of articulation, I will feel it.

Yours in mystery
xxx

Gratitude

I am so thankful, for You!

>>So grateful, you are so special. Thanks for being here in life and showing up. So much of us can be contracted and yet our expanse is what I sense with you. The deep paradox of our earthling manifestation.

You

>>If you are not harming yourself then I would say enjoy the ride, I suspect it will change like the tides in ocean. It is full moon tomorrow not sure how sensitive you are the Mother Light.

Advice from my darling stardust. Had a long bath. Nourished myself. Brain feels so much better. 

For some reason today, really battled with the transition from practice into manic/meaningless work environment, had all the energy but my brain hurt (not like a headache). 

As You say, like the tides of ocean (my favourite place in the world)...I felt with increased awareness - the transition - more now than ever. 

I trust as we progress, I will learn how to get out of my brain and back into my heart and body. 

Anxiety sets in...boundaries...

>>Only if I wanted to draw a boundary would you overstep it, no boundaries, terrifyingly liberating, bring it on!

Intention

I've been thinking about how to articulate my intention.

It's not about "finding something" like You said it's already there. But it's about going on a journey with a fellow (more knowledgeable) traveller to put the pieces together of what defines self, tools to get over flight or flight and/or emotions, all of which got lost in the trance. 

The overriding intention is to be conscious of the ego because I really hope that eventually I may somehow, in some form, figure out of how I can put that use to help others. 

Listening to Tara is amazing and puts my thoughts in the right direction but in terms of discerning action, You and your practice is the way of reaching that discernment to filter out and focus on the necessary. I have a visceral feeling that I have so much to learn from You even though I barely know You....

Once again when you asked how I am, felt super vulnerable after tonight's class, yet tears came in the car. 

I can feel so many changes happening inside, beautiful and healthy changes, but changes none the less, so...I feel like I'm entering into something a lot more than I expected to enter into, feels amazing but slightly scary at the same time. 

 I am running towards it. 

So looking forward to getting to know You better and build that comfort, and so deeply grateful that You are willing to go on this journey with me.

>> I'm sure you are going to find a way that makes sense to you and a felt sense, a way that is yours to cherish and behold.

What I have discovered is that this is Ours to cherish and behold xxx

Finally, the unfolding

Today, without any form of effort, no guided meditation, no drug induced revelation, in an environment not conducive to unfolding what so ever, I began to unfold.

Since February this year, I have been consciously delving into myself, into this world, attempting to answer questions I've had for years about life, love, friendship, family, God, myself and this earth. I've begun the spiritual and intellectual investigation about the mind, body, ego, consciousness, presence, awareness and of course, trance, which is from what I understand, everything outside of the former presence based 'stuff'.

I used the word delving because as I do with everything in life, I have thrown my heart and soul into this inquiry. listening, reading, speaking to people, practising, failing, trying again, misunderstanding, re-evaluating, forming an opinion - even so far as becoming an evangelist for everything I've done. My poor friends.

With a good dose of ignorance, I didn't expect this delving to lead to unfolding the last 30 years of my life (go figure)

What I experienced today, not to sound cliched, was like the scab had been scratched from my deepest wound. My wound which has been healing for the past 7 years. How on earth could this much emotion still be inside me? How could that little girl still be there, begging for nurturing and unconditional love after everything I thought I had done to fix her and put her to sleep.

Ignorantly, thinking all the past wounds had been healed and I was now proudly 'delving' into a blissful journey of a higher understanding of myself and the world around me. 

Never the less, because life is nothing less than a surprise, I began to bleed again.

Although, this time this bleeding felt more like a revelation than a meltdown. 

The revelation being that the little girl yearning to be deserving and loved is still there, the revelation that the anorexic, straight A control freak is still there and most importantly, the revelation that they will both never go away.

I listen to all these amazing people speak about what I mentioned above in all my inquiries and immediately put them on a pedestal as if they all have it figured out and that's why they can speak about it, write about it, teach it. They have taught me so much, yet I fell short on putting the pieces together through understanding that the only reason they could touch my heart and soul so deeply and keep my very short attention for so long, was because they are just like me, except they haven't tried to put the past behind them like it never existed. In fact, the only reason they exist in my life (and so many people's lives) is because their past exists.

I spend most of my time at work, looking at past trends in order to predict future trends, you would think I may have figured this out. I was so determined to move to this beautiful place of serenity and peace with the ability to confidently handle any anxiety, pain, death, longing and pleasure that was thrown my way with grace and maturity because I had now let go of my past. 

What I didn't realise is that is only because of my past, and not in-spite of my past, that I will be able to do that. 

"I am who I am" - is a quote from one of my poems. We all transform, mature and reshape as life goes on but this is all a metamorphosis, not a reincarnation...just yet :)

So from today, I will start sharing my inquiries and maybe throw in a bit of evangelism but from a completely different point of view and perhaps from more than one point of view.

Yours in learning
xxx