Today, without any form of effort, no guided meditation, no drug induced revelation, in an environment not conducive to unfolding what so ever, I began to unfold.
Since February this year, I have been consciously delving into myself, into this world, attempting to answer questions I've had for years about life, love, friendship, family, God, myself and this earth. I've begun the spiritual and intellectual investigation about the mind, body, ego, consciousness, presence, awareness and of course, trance, which is from what I understand, everything outside of the former presence based 'stuff'.
I used the word delving because as I do with everything in life, I have thrown my heart and soul into this inquiry. listening, reading, speaking to people, practising, failing, trying again, misunderstanding, re-evaluating, forming an opinion - even so far as becoming an evangelist for everything I've done. My poor friends.
With a good dose of ignorance, I didn't expect this delving to lead to unfolding the last 30 years of my life (go figure)
What I experienced today, not to sound cliched, was like the scab had been scratched from my deepest wound. My wound which has been healing for the past 7 years. How on earth could this much emotion still be inside me? How could that little girl still be there, begging for nurturing and unconditional love after everything I thought I had done to fix her and put her to sleep.
Ignorantly, thinking all the past wounds had been healed and I was now proudly 'delving' into a blissful journey of a higher understanding of myself and the world around me.
Never the less, because life is nothing less than a surprise, I began to bleed again.
Although, this time this bleeding felt more like a revelation than a meltdown.
The revelation being that the little girl yearning to be deserving and loved is still there, the revelation that the anorexic, straight A control freak is still there and most importantly, the revelation that they will both never go away.
I listen to all these amazing people speak about what I mentioned above in all my inquiries and immediately put them on a pedestal as if they all have it figured out and that's why they can speak about it, write about it, teach it. They have taught me so much, yet I fell short on putting the pieces together through understanding that the only reason they could touch my heart and soul so deeply and keep my very short attention for so long, was because they are just like me, except they haven't tried to put the past behind them like it never existed. In fact, the only reason they exist in my life (and so many people's lives) is because their past exists.
I spend most of my time at work, looking at past trends in order to predict future trends, you would think I may have figured this out. I was so determined to move to this beautiful place of serenity and peace with the ability to confidently handle any anxiety, pain, death, longing and pleasure that was thrown my way with grace and maturity because I had now let go of my past.
What I didn't realise is that is only because of my past, and not in-spite of my past, that I will be able to do that.
"I am who I am" - is a quote from one of my poems. We all transform, mature and reshape as life goes on but this is all a metamorphosis, not a reincarnation...just yet :)
So from today, I will start sharing my inquiries and maybe throw in a bit of evangelism but from a completely different point of view and perhaps from more than one point of view.
Yours in learning
xxx
