Unfolding the Mystery

Following the unfolding, I dove into a spin, knotting myself into a tangle of questions - what comes next?

I will quote Tara Brach to eloquently explain what happened next:

"True inquiry doesn't land on an answer, it opens up to a mystery that is meant to be lived" 

Let's take a step back. About 2 months ago I spontaneously decided to join a yoga studio. I was on the way home from work and felt like I needed to do something good for myself and my body. And so the journey began.

I am a dancer. I won't say I was a dancer, because as most dancers will understand. Even when you aren't dancing anymore, it never leaves your heart and your soul. Within my first month at this studio, I felt the dancer spirit in me come out in a way I didn't quite understand, it was far more than how flexible I still might be. In fact, it had nothing to do with that. It was how yoga made me feel during the practice. It was the fact that yoga made me feel.

In any normal case with 'exercise', I would have put it down to endorphin's released from exercise which makes you feel good. Yet, yoga didn't make me feel 'good'. It made me feel my self and my space in this universe and how beautifully intertwined that space is in the spiritual, physical, emotional realm and most importantly with the universe. Although this mystery didn't become apparent to me after day one.

A couple of weeks later, the unfolding happened as mentioned in previous post. It was soon after an early morning yoga practice. Yet, still I hadn't figured out where all this energy was coming from, not energy in a practical sense, energy in the metaphysical. I pursued a hypnotherapist to try and help me figure out this unfolding and where it came from and why, because my conscious brain could not figure this out. 

It was then after a session where during savasana, otherwise known as the corpse pose, that the tears started rolling down my cheeks. It was as if I had been given an internal hug I had been longing for my whole life. It brought up all my pain and all my joy, all at once. 

My ego was put aside, as my teacher explained that yoga is not about how far you can push yourself in a pose or how perfect your pose looks in the mirror, yoga is in fact about everything but that. 

I came out of that class in slight shock. As if something inside me had ignited so magnetically that I couldn't wait for my next practice. What will yoga and the universe reveal to me next?

I have never been back to that hypnotherapist.

In the class of 'the corpse pose', guided by an incredible soul who spoke directly to my soul, I found the beginning of my mystery.

I then spent a couple of weeks analysing this, going to yoga as much as my time could accommodate but more specifically, choosing the teachers I was going to. Every practice was a lesson to me. A lesson about myself, a lesson about others and a lesson about ego. I needed to make sure that their intention was aligned with my newly discovered beautiful intention with yoga

I have now pursued an incredible soul, in what you may call a leap of 'faith' or more honestly because I was too vulnerable and insecure to speak to him before or after class, I hunted down his email (thank you interweb) to ask if he would help me (this is how I articulated it, but what I was honestly hoping for was for him to be a fellow traveller with me into this mystery). 

As I sent the very vulnerable, honest email I was hit with both an overwhelming feeling of anxiety (what if he doesn't reply, how awkward) and elation (I cannot wait for his reply!).

His reply came soon. It was short, deeply grateful and accepting. We met after class the following Saturday and decided to do one-on-one sessions to see where this will take us.

Since then, I have still been plagued with bouts of insecurity - what would a human of his spiritual, emotional and physical stature and insight want to do with me: another typical slave to society in my corporate 45+ hour a week job, where my role is simply to play the political game and analyse data to make other corporate's more money. How interesting could I be? Would I just be another one of 'those' people searching for 'something' that he would have to deal with.

Little did I realise that this human, is not only a kindred sensitive spirit. But he saw me, a side of me I want more of, a side of me that has far more to offer than what I spend most of my time doing. And most insightful, he is the first person I have met in a very, very long time, if not ever, that hasn't based their opinion on me by asking questions like "so what do you do?", "what did you study", "where do you want to be in 5 years". It helped me see that side of me again, and I am so grateful for that.

I was aw-struck and still am. Aw-struck at how what I used to see as a physical exercise and what I used to think was 'networking' has turned my life upside down and inside out (literally). I have not only found a portal to the universe, prayer, gratitude and forgiveness but I have found a fellow traveller who is willing to guide me along this portal.

Yoga has new meaning to me. The universe has new meaning to me. I have new meaning to me and I know that this is only the beginning.

I have learnt about the mother of light, the moon, and her effects on our body, 90% water, therefore is as affected by the moon as the tides of the ocean. The concept blew me away, especially when I was feeling the tides ebbing and flowing in my own body in such a visceral way, I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't know what to do with myself. Actually, I do. Feel it, feel all of it. Pull down the boundaries and let life live through me.

I can only believe that this is the beginning of something I will not be able to articulate right now, something I may never be able to articulate. One thing I do know is that regardless of articulation, I will feel it.

Yours in mystery
xxx