What am I?

I am not my body
my thoughts
my mind
my past
my future

I am the distance between breaths
between the soil and the sky

Instructions for a Body by Marty McConnell

praise the miracle body: the odd

and undeniable mechanics of hand,

hundred-boned foot, perfect stretch

of tendon

tell me there are no gods then,

no master plans for this anatomy

with its mobile and evident spark

someone says “children of light”

and another, “goddessfragment” and

another, “chosen” / a dozen makers,

myriad paths, one goal:

some scalpel, some chisel, some crazed

sentimental engineer giving rib, giving

eyelash, giving gut and thumb –

all mattering. all set down

in a going world, vulnerable

and divine

in the beginning was the word.

or before time there was a void

until a voice said “I” and was

or there was star and dust,

explosion and animal, mineral, us::

praise the veins that river these wrists

praise the prolapsed valve in a heart

praise the scars marking a gall bladder absent

praise the rasp and rattle of functioning lungs

praise the pre-arthritic ache of elbows

and ankles

praise the lifeline sectioning a palm

praise the photographic pads of fingertips

praise the vulnerable dip at the base of a throat

praise the muscles surfacing on an abdomen

praise these arms that carry babies

and anthologies

praise the leg hairs that sprout

and are shaved

praise the ass that refuses to shrink

or be hidden

praise the cunt that bleeds

and accepts, bleeds

and accepts

praise the prominent ridge

of nose

praise the strange convexity of ribcage

praise the single hair that insists on growing

from a right areola

praise the dent where the mole was clipped from the back

of a neck

praise these inner thighs brushing

praise these eyelashes that sometimes turn inward

praise these hips preparing to spread

into a grandmother’s skirt

praise the beauty of the freckle

on the first knuckle of a left little finger

we’re gone / in a blizzard of seconds

love the body human

while we’re here, a gift of minutes

on an evolving planet, a country

in flux / give thanks

what we take for granted, bone and dirt

and the million things that will kill us

someday, motion and the pursuit

of happiness / no guarantees / give thanks

for chaos theory, ecology, common sense that says

we are web. a planet in balance or out, the butterfly

in tokyo setting off thunderstorms in iowa,

tell me you don’t matter to a universe that conspired

to give you such a tongue, such rhythm

or rhythmless hips, such opposable thumbs –

give thanks or go home a waste of spark

speak or let the maker take back your throat

march or let the creator rescind your feet

dream or let your god destroy your good and fertile mind

this is your warning / this

your birthright / do not let

this universe regret you.

The Death of a little girl

I am a Woman. I am a Being woman.

Expanded

Raw

Aware within our masculine and feminine manifestation.

The universe inside me, through me, through us.

A consciousness that unfolds how our bodies are mere portals for a divine awareness of Self, oneness, masculine, feminine, sexuality - this being the universe in our oneness.

Sexuality is our life force.

This awareness is by no means all light and radiance. In fact, there is a deep blanketing darkness.

Ego, conditioning, the deep grooves through which we have lived our many lives living out.

Out of fear, we choose to live in comfort only to live in the shadow of the Light of our Being.

With such immense Light, one can only expect the darkest of shadows.

As I unveil the Light, the shadow of the past, my conditioning, should have’s, could have’s and would have’s, all rear their sneaky charming faces, waiting patiently for me to slip back into the groove of pleasing others, out of insecurity, fear and a dismal lack of courage.

I honour both the Light and the Darkness more than that.

I acknowledge you, my darling shadow, breathing you in, absorbing your every reflection of the infinite, mysterious Light that is the calling of my heart.

Divine shadow, I know of your teachings, I have been through them before.

Although this time, in this presence, I take you in as a Woman and as Shakti dances around you, not to shy you away but to open and embrace you with every essence of my Being.

Come to me.

Teach me more.

Courageous Discernment

To begin to describe what has happened to me can only be felt and sensed in this human world as a rollercoaster.

Vatta Pitta firing. Ups and downs, ins and outs, bliss and sadness. Feelings of being trapped and wanting to leave, be free fully awake and present....only to then slowly bring myself back down
to the process, the flow of what is happening in this beautiful awakening, trusting my heart and universe and her timing, realising this is my present in this moment, trying to treat this presence with kindness and gentleness. 

It's not easy. This is revelation.

The death of old self has became even more apparent.

In this uncertainty, I absorbed myself in reading. I finished reading Siddartha by Hermann Hesse - what a wakening beyond all wakenings. I don't have many words to describe this book. Only a feeling in my heart which I will cherish forever and revisit.

I also read my favourite book from beginning to end (Paulo Coelho - by the river piedra I sat down and wept).

A book so deep in its simplicity about Love and Mother Universe and human beings. Obviously, Paulo comes from Catholic background and therefore uses this as his reference for spirituality but he speaks to all spirituality so expansively and accessibly. What a gift. 

Both filled my soul with hope, Love and the Divine so deeply, only to fall
hard at the face of my reality of this life I have created which is so misaligned.

I also read Aisha Salem (specifically on the consort and relationships) and an interview with Bernie Prior.

Once again filling me with immense clarity, vision, hope and inspiration in recognising the Divine way of Love and relationships. Love and how powerfully and deeply it manifests in spirit and romantic, in masculine and feminine.

I can’t live another day thinking of Love any other way. 

I am so grateful to have woken to this, but I have also woken to how glaringly far I am away from living this Love.

I therefore feel stuck/trapped, inspired and exhausted, terrified and so in awe of this Divine process. 

Incredibly expanded. 

Incredibly insecure.

In meditation today, and after reading Osho's - The way of the heart.

I meditate on the two words that will guide my life in its Divine uncertain presence.

Courageous Discernment.

Courageous because living a life of expansion and insecurity is in fact living a life of complete freedom, this take courage and ofcourse presence and patience.

Discernment because in this beautiful manifestation of the Divine awakening in me, I have to be discerning with my thoughts, of past and future. 

I have to be discerning about the people around me, some who are witnessing the journey and some who are fellow travelers on this journey, they too have a path to follow which comes with its own levels of insecurity and inward reflection of Self.

So I feel and sit with my present, with immense courage, I treat my thoughts with deep courage, discernment, kindness and gentleness.

I continue on this expansive beautiful mystery of life, with courage and discernment - accepting all the uncertainty and insecurity that comes with it, knowing that this is the true way of the mystery. 

How incredibly bold, how incredibly Divine and terrifying.

I have great gratitude for my fellow travellers on this journey. Teaching me courage and discernment.

I also have immense gratitude towards myself for allowing this expansion and all the mystery and uncertainty that comes with it.

Let the opening of my eyes and my Self continue, no matter what fear and insecurities this brings. 

What I have realised is that the more afraid I am, the more insecure I am, the more I rest into my heart that I am following a true calling, into this unknown.

I cannot wait to see what unfolds further.

Yours in mystery, courage and discernment.

Love

xxxx

What is Love?

Tease me lover, what is Love?

The silence in between words unspoken,

the essence between the spaces and space.

A gesture ascending lifetimes of compassion,

seeing beyond what is right in front of you.

A feeling for which you cannot see.

Oh no, this Love transcends a feeling.

Tease me, lover, does our Love not seem unworthy within these worldly definitions?

Our Love rests so easy in the mystery of the unknown.
Worthy only in its perpetual nature
to take shape within the spirits it finds rest in.

Undefined for eternity,

ever evolving, exploring

the secret places only a lover can touch, feel 
through the senses halucinatory

to those whose eyes have not been blinded, by the sunlight that isn't there,
into darkness.

Our Love that moves me in places I cannot feel

directing me gently on a path to You, with You.

Our Love with no boundaries, no definition 

no direction.
(how threatening to those who cannot see the blinding sunlight?)

Our Love in it's raw unfixed freedom
allowing its lovers the space

and eternity

to live a life beyond what this existence is yet to define.

Our Love that dances in no shape or form, 
it's only presence is to dance 
in the hearts of it's lovers' spirit.

I end, lover, on a note with no end.

Our Love with no end.